Re-living the past because I need to write.

For today's blog I shall take entries out of an old diary that seem rather important and put them here, because I am looking good subject matter for my CW class writing assignments (one Fiction piece and one nonfiction piece) I will warn anyone possibly reading this that it may get really personal for me and I may mention things that happened in the past that dont even matter anymore. I am only doing this cause I need to get some creative stuff. Okay here goes:


I dont know the date, but today is Monday. As each day passes the pain should and I believe will eventually pass away. The days have become a blended mass of confusion. I dont remember what time anything happened. Surgery was Tuesday, friends came Wednesday evening. Many phone calls were along the way. Mom spent the night with me in the room (447) each night and took good care of me. We could have left on Wednesday, but I didnt feel strong enough yet. I think I seriously scared one friend. The pain was just too intense to handle, so I cried. Mom held my hands, My friend just didnt know what to do. There were tornadoes that night so she had to call her brother who was waiting for her to be dont with her visit. She held my hand for about five or ten mins and left. 
I became allergic to my meds that night and I also started throwing everything up. I couldn't keep any food down. They changed pain medicines like 3 times until something finally worked (which turned out to be Morphine). 
I slept from Thursday 2pm until time to go home on Friday. When I did get home again I threw up as soon as I got out of the car. I went to my bed and mom gave me some medicine for pain and nausea. 
I found out last night why she stopped giving me the nausea pill-they made me sick too. 
Amy called and I asked her to come see me, She sat with me for a few hours and then left. Saturday was a blur- I think I slept, refuse to eat, and went to the bathroom. Sunday was better-my new motto- I am going to beat this- and God along with my family are going to help me because I can not do it alone. Sunday I walked around the house, ate real food, and watched movies. I sat up right. (March 2009)


**Break, because I could not continue writing in the little book until the next day... too much pain.
Half a year later, and just before a relationship ended. The confusion and pain are really intense which would make a good nonfiction work, not sure if I will use it but while I am re-living the past to help me in the present I might as well add the hurtful things in as well. I apologize to anyone who may get offended, but this is what I have dealt with.


" Have you ever felt lonely-like you've lost the one you love and nothing will ever make you feel whole?
God tell me what to do-tell me what to say- I just cant take my heart feeling this way.
It hurts in places I didnt even know existed and it feels like he is the only one who can fix this. Please father God do something- I cant take this anymore. 
Can I curl up into a ball and just wait until something- anything happens.
He pushed me away when I was cold last night- 
Why?
He doesnt love me the way I love him? My heart- I cant do this again. I said I dont need a man to make me whole- that I need Jesus- I know that but this still hurts- so freaking much. What do I do?
I asked him if he loves me, he said "I want to"
I am wondering what the but to that statement is. Because there seems to be one. 
I'm not upset. 
Just emotionally drained- lots of tears- lots of gasping for air." (10-2-09)


**Random bit that I thought was a bit hilarious in an entry later


"John played yesterday for the first time on the field at UGA! 3 plays that were amazing. His words about it"I really thought I was going to piss myself." Wow." (11-8-09)


" I deserve a man who will cherish time spent with me- who will pry when I say nothing is wrong, who will be there for me when I need him. He wouldn't kiss me. I am surprised he said ily. Expecting he wont in a few days." (5-21-10)


And for my entry today, cause I guess I should probably keep going with documenting my life...


Ahh the joys of having someone love you and knowing he actually gives a darn about how you feel is great!! I now know I want to write about happy things instead of dark depressing things so that exercise I just did wasn't for nothing. If I could live in my Andalasia world and think of love, Jesus, and butterflies all day I would be as happy as a song bird.
Cant believe I just typed out a few of the most hurtful things that have happened to me in the past few years, but I guess its a good thing cause it shows I am emotional and I have wounds that I can use to better my writing and future. I feel like once I get these two works done I can move on from this and write about the fairy tales that run thru my mind on bright sunny marvelous days such as today. I believe I am ready to start a new work and add yet another brilliant story to my growing portfolio. That will probably what tonights project will be. (Since I have like 7 papers due in the next few weeks)
I am glad I have done this today, it took an hour to get everything on my blog but I needed to kick start my creative flow and I have! I feel the passion to write exceeds what it was just earlier today, I haven't wanted to write in sometime due to the fact that I just wasn't really feeling it anymore, even though it is my favorite thing to do in the whole world. Okay... enough with this long freaking blog.
Have a lovely Saturday!!
Love E